WHAT I’VE LEARNED FROM MY OPERATION
Really, was this an operation? My body received a cut that is over a foot long. There has been intense pain, but there has been no benefit from this cruel attack on my body. Like a Wet Back in a bar I have been subjected to a vicious attack that the surgeon will harass me with the logic that if I do not have the operation I will soon bleed to death. But, what difference will there be in an artery bursting on its own and of me bleeding to death on an operation table where there is no life sustaining blood to keep me alive?
Trust the surgeon? Look, I trusted the surgeon who was able to cut but not to complete the operation. While I sleep under heavy sedation will he again make a fatal decision that will allow me to sink into a bloodless death?
Doctors have screwed me every since I had polio in the Navy. Will they continue to do so? I have to decide whether I will die a natural death or if I will die a death that will bring several thousand dollars into the hands of a medical profession that has little more to offer than a prayer before the procedure, and after the failure of the surgeon to blame me for taking a blood thinner that I stopped taking when he told me to stop taking it.
I don’t trust the medical profession.
LET ME SHOW YOU MY SCAR.
PLATO ON DEATH
One, he said, of which I could not expect easily to convince others. For let me tell you, Socrates, that when a man thinks himself to be near death, fears and cares enter into his mind which he never had before; the tales of a world below and the punishment which is exacted there of deeds done here were once a laughing matter to him, but now he is tormented with the thought that they may be true: either from the weakness of age, or because he is now drawing nearer to that other place, he has a clearer view of these things; suspicions and alarms crowd thickly upon him, and he begins to reflect and consider what wrongs he has done to others. And when he finds that the sum of his transgressions is great he will many a time like a child start up in his sleep for fear, and he is filled with dark forebodings. But to him who is conscious of no sin, sweet hope, as Pindar charmingly says, is the kind nurse of his age:
Hope, he says, cherishes the soul of him who lives in justice and holiness and is the nurse of his age and the companion of his journey; --hope which is mightiest to sway the restless soul of man.The Republican 1
Now the trick is to make myself think that I am conscious of no sin before the operation!
Catfish Charlie
a novel
by Luther Butler
CHAPTER ONE
Drowsily, she rubbed her eyes wondering what had disturbed her sleep. Even thought the blinds were open to the east, very little Texas sun was coming in through their bedroom window. In fact after all the rain they had, she wondered if there would be any sun today.
Gradually, her eyes adjusted to the dim light. Still trying to chase sleep out of her foggy brain, she asked, "Ain't goin' fishing' today, are you, Jim?"
"Reckon I am. Can't see nothing wrong with it, can you, May Sue?"
"Only thing, seems like you would be awful tired after that trip over to Temple yesterday. Can't see after what the doctor told you, how you can go fishin'. Ought to lay around the house here and rest. Maybe you could play with the children a few days. I would like to see more of you."
"Well, just look at me all you want. I look the same as I have looked these past eight years since we married."
May Sue pulled her loose gown down and did a cancer check on her middle aged but sensuous breasts. She manipulated her nipples and wished Jim would play with them with his tongue. She knew he was too sick. "Think you are just trying to get out of this house so's you don't have to look at these flyspecks and cobwebs. Swear if you ain't off with them coonhounds, you are off on the riverbank."
"Shouldn't be much longer," Jim said. He lit a cigarette and blew smoke into the clean air.
"Who says?" she asked scornfully.
"Doctor says."
"Oh, them doctors don't know much about what they are saying. I wouldn't put no trust in what they say no way. Nigh on two years now, they have been saying nothing but your nerves. Wish they would make up their minds so you could go back to work and support these children of yours." May Sue aroused herself with her examination.
"Hesh woman, you'll wake the youngins. I will be down at Three Mile Bridge if you want me. Pack a lunch and bring you and the kids down after while."
"How am I going down there? Walk? Land's looks like after what that doctor told you yesterday, you would put that cigarette out."
"Tastes awful good. Bring the ol' Chevy; it will run."
"Sure can think of everything 'cept how you are going to feed me and these youngins. Ain't you got gumption enough to know there is not going to be any food on this table after you've gone?"
"Thought I would catch some catfish to go with some new taters and beans out of the garden." He did not want to think about the future.
"Not what I mean, Jim, and you know it well as I do. You just sit down there and think about these three little children up here and me goin' to starve to death. Maybe you will come up with some kind of an answer while you are down there baking what brains you have left. There is got to be somethin' you can do about us. I just know there is somethin' you can do if you will put your mind to it."
"Well you just lie there and think about how in hell I am supposed to do something about it at this last stage in the game. Perhaps if this were a football game, I should punt, or how about passing the ball to an end? Maybe I can turn clocks back and gain another year or two before my time comes." Jim finished pulling on his run down cowboy boots and slammed out the door.
She heard the grinding of the starter, and then the slam of the hood, and she knew he was priming the carburetor. Finally, the motor roared through the busted exhaust pipe, and as she rolled over into the warm spot he vacated, she drifted off into another hour of undisturbed sleep.
http://www2.xlibris.com/Bookstore/bookdisplay.asp?bookid=2370
BRING ON THE VIRGIN
1:1 Now king David was old [and] stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.
1:2 Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.
1:3 So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king.
1:4 And the damsel [was] very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not. (Forget the last three words)Native Australians are reported to add another dog on cold nights. Thus ten dog nights. According to the Biblical account, those attending King David added a virgin when he was old and sick. Not a bad idea. If you are cold just add another virgin. The only thing is that a man would spend jail time for that means of keeping warm. Sometimes it is best if we donÂt live by the Bible. Still worth thinking about.
"When it comes time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home."
Chief Aupumut, Mohican. 1725
Crossing the Bar
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea,
But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
Turns again home.
Twilight and evening bell,
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
When I embark;
For tho' from out our bourne of Time and Place
The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have crost the bar./
When I was in high school this was one of my favorite poems. At the age of sixteen the thought of crossing the bar seemed soadventurouss. Now at this time in my life this poem has taken on new meaning, but what the ---? How many times have I missed crossing the bar? Too many to count so maybe the surgeon's hands will be skillful, and it won't be my time to go. As Christians we sing with gusto about going home, but not many of us go out peacefully. I'm living it up for another week at least by cleaning house, mowing the grass, and riding my bike. and petting my dog, Kelly.
Yesterday I went to Fort Worth to have a chemical heart stress. It wasn't too bad. A technician injected Antropine into my vein which caused my heart to race. Afterwards they pu me on a table and a camera took pictures of my heart in two different sessions. The reason they gave me this test was to seeif my heart is strong enough to stand me me being put to sleep for the oeration. The surgeon doesn't want me to be awake for the procedure. I'm enjoying these days before surgery.
HER AUNT'S FUNERAL
We went back after they finished shoveling dirt into her grave.
Heat made the grama grass dry and twisted.
Since a hot Texas sun sucked June moisture, there was no green left.
Cicadas worked at a loud and noisy song that screamed for water,
And the beaming light twisted and turned into optical illusion
That made mad men see sticks turn into rattlesnakes.
"You still want to be buried here by your parents?"
"If you don't mind," she answered.
"We better buy our plots this time."
"You plan on dying?"
I answered, "At our age one never knows."
"You want a double tombstone?" she asked.
After I agreed, I thought about the Texas heat.
Hell, I wouldn't hurt her for anything, but if she dies first,
They can put my name on the tombstone,
But I may have my corpse shipped to Colorado,
If the ground isn't frozen too hard to dig.
By Luther Butler
Thursday October 13, 2005 I went to Scott and White at Temple, Texas for the first part of three procedures. A small gash was made in my right groin through which a device was inserted for further work. Next week I will have the same procedure done on my left groin. On the third week I will have grafts inserted. The operation was to have taken an hour, but due to the fact that my blood vessels were knotted, the procedure took three hours. I spent one night in the hospital and was sent home. This method was much easier on me than the one that required cutting to reach the artery which is located behind the stomach. Today I am still having some pain, but it doesn't compare with the pain I am having from the first attempt to surgically repair the damage.
In order to reduce the operative risks for patients who are not ideal candidates for direct surgical repair of their aneurysms, an endovascular treatment was developed. This method involves placing a specially constructed Dacron graft inside the aorta by passing it up through the femoral arteries and into the aorta. This process is applicable to approximately two-thirds of patients with abdominal aneurysms. Its applicability is determined by measurements of the aortic diameter and angulation and the severity of associated blockages in the iliac and femoral arteries. The delivery system of the endograft requires iliac and femoral arteries of a moderate to large size.
Women frequently have smaller blood vessels than men. Therefore, they are often unable to have endograft treatment for their aneurysm unless an additional surgical procedure is performed to provide a larger vascular route through which the endograft can be delivered.
An aortic endograft is usually placed through two small incisions in the groin made over the location of the femoral arteries. The graft is then passed up through the femoral and iliac arteries into the aorta where it is anchored just below the renal (kidney) arteries with the limbs of the graft then brought down into both iliac (leg) arteries. A special type of ultrasound delivered on a catheter placed inside the aorta measures the size of the aorta and arteries going to the legs. This information helps the surgeon decide where to best place the endograft and what size graft should be used.">Scott & White - Heart & Vascular Institute - Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm - Central Texas: "endovascular procedure
In order to reduce the operative risks for patients who are not ideal candidates for direct surgical repair of their aneurysms, an endovascular treatment was developed. This method involves placing a specially constructed Dacron graft inside the aorta by passing it up through the femoral arteries and into the aorta. This process is applicable to approximately two-thirds of patients with abdominal aneurysms. Its applicability is determined by measurements of the aortic diameter and angulation and the severity of associated blockages in the iliac and femoral arteries. The delivery system of the endograft requires iliac and femoral arteries of a moderate to large size.
Women frequently have smaller blood vessels than men. Therefore, they are often unable to have endograft treatment for their aneurysm unless an additional surgical procedure is performed to provide a larger vascular route through which the endograft can be delivered.
An aortic endograft is usually placed through two small incisions in the groin made over the location of the femoral arteries. The graft is then passed up through the femoral and iliac arteries into the aorta where it is anchored just below the renal (kidney) arteries with the limbs of the graft then brought down into both iliac (leg) arteries. A special type of ultrasound delivered on a catheter placed inside the aorta measures the size of the aorta and arteries going to the legs. This information helps the surgeon decide where to best place the endograft and what size graft should be used."
Really, was this an operation? My body received a cut that is over a foot long. There has been intense pain, but there has been no benefit from this cruel attack on my body. Like a Wet Back in a bar I have been subjected to a vicious attack that the surgeon will harass me with the logic that if I do not have the operation I will soon bleed to death. But, what difference will there be in an artery bursting on its own and of me bleeding to death on an operation table where there is no life sustaining blood to keep me alive?
Trust the surgeon? Look, I trusted the surgeon who was able to cut but not to complete the operation. While I sleep under heavy sedation will he again make a fatal decision that will allow me to sink into a bloodless death?
Doctors have screwed me every since I had polio in the Navy. Will they continue to do so? I have to decide whether I will die a natural death or if I will die a death that will bring several thousand dollars into the hands of a medical profession that has little more to offer than a prayer before the procedure, and after the failure of the surgeon to blame me for taking a blood thinner that I stopped taking when he told me to stop taking it.
I don’t trust the medical profession.
LET ME SHOW YOU MY SCAR.
PLATO ON DEATH
One, he said, of which I could not expect easily to convince others. For let me tell you, Socrates, that when a man thinks himself to be near death, fears and cares enter into his mind which he never had before; the tales of a world below and the punishment which is exacted there of deeds done here were once a laughing matter to him, but now he is tormented with the thought that they may be true: either from the weakness of age, or because he is now drawing nearer to that other place, he has a clearer view of these things; suspicions and alarms crowd thickly upon him, and he begins to reflect and consider what wrongs he has done to others. And when he finds that the sum of his transgressions is great he will many a time like a child start up in his sleep for fear, and he is filled with dark forebodings. But to him who is conscious of no sin, sweet hope, as Pindar charmingly says, is the kind nurse of his age:
Hope, he says, cherishes the soul of him who lives in justice and holiness and is the nurse of his age and the companion of his journey; --hope which is mightiest to sway the restless soul of man.The Republican 1
Now the trick is to make myself think that I am conscious of no sin before the operation!
Catfish Charlie
a novel
by Luther Butler
CHAPTER ONE
Drowsily, she rubbed her eyes wondering what had disturbed her sleep. Even thought the blinds were open to the east, very little Texas sun was coming in through their bedroom window. In fact after all the rain they had, she wondered if there would be any sun today.
Gradually, her eyes adjusted to the dim light. Still trying to chase sleep out of her foggy brain, she asked, "Ain't goin' fishing' today, are you, Jim?"
"Reckon I am. Can't see nothing wrong with it, can you, May Sue?"
"Only thing, seems like you would be awful tired after that trip over to Temple yesterday. Can't see after what the doctor told you, how you can go fishin'. Ought to lay around the house here and rest. Maybe you could play with the children a few days. I would like to see more of you."
"Well, just look at me all you want. I look the same as I have looked these past eight years since we married."
May Sue pulled her loose gown down and did a cancer check on her middle aged but sensuous breasts. She manipulated her nipples and wished Jim would play with them with his tongue. She knew he was too sick. "Think you are just trying to get out of this house so's you don't have to look at these flyspecks and cobwebs. Swear if you ain't off with them coonhounds, you are off on the riverbank."
"Shouldn't be much longer," Jim said. He lit a cigarette and blew smoke into the clean air.
"Who says?" she asked scornfully.
"Doctor says."
"Oh, them doctors don't know much about what they are saying. I wouldn't put no trust in what they say no way. Nigh on two years now, they have been saying nothing but your nerves. Wish they would make up their minds so you could go back to work and support these children of yours." May Sue aroused herself with her examination.
"Hesh woman, you'll wake the youngins. I will be down at Three Mile Bridge if you want me. Pack a lunch and bring you and the kids down after while."
"How am I going down there? Walk? Land's looks like after what that doctor told you yesterday, you would put that cigarette out."
"Tastes awful good. Bring the ol' Chevy; it will run."
"Sure can think of everything 'cept how you are going to feed me and these youngins. Ain't you got gumption enough to know there is not going to be any food on this table after you've gone?"
"Thought I would catch some catfish to go with some new taters and beans out of the garden." He did not want to think about the future.
"Not what I mean, Jim, and you know it well as I do. You just sit down there and think about these three little children up here and me goin' to starve to death. Maybe you will come up with some kind of an answer while you are down there baking what brains you have left. There is got to be somethin' you can do about us. I just know there is somethin' you can do if you will put your mind to it."
"Well you just lie there and think about how in hell I am supposed to do something about it at this last stage in the game. Perhaps if this were a football game, I should punt, or how about passing the ball to an end? Maybe I can turn clocks back and gain another year or two before my time comes." Jim finished pulling on his run down cowboy boots and slammed out the door.
She heard the grinding of the starter, and then the slam of the hood, and she knew he was priming the carburetor. Finally, the motor roared through the busted exhaust pipe, and as she rolled over into the warm spot he vacated, she drifted off into another hour of undisturbed sleep.
http://www2.xlibris.com/Bookstore/bookdisplay.asp?bookid=2370
BRING ON THE VIRGIN
1:1 Now king David was old [and] stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.
1:2 Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.
1:3 So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king.
1:4 And the damsel [was] very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not. (Forget the last three words)Native Australians are reported to add another dog on cold nights. Thus ten dog nights. According to the Biblical account, those attending King David added a virgin when he was old and sick. Not a bad idea. If you are cold just add another virgin. The only thing is that a man would spend jail time for that means of keeping warm. Sometimes it is best if we donÂt live by the Bible. Still worth thinking about.
"When it comes time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home."
Chief Aupumut, Mohican. 1725
Crossing the Bar
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea,
But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
Turns again home.
Twilight and evening bell,
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
When I embark;
For tho' from out our bourne of Time and Place
The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have crost the bar./
When I was in high school this was one of my favorite poems. At the age of sixteen the thought of crossing the bar seemed soadventurouss. Now at this time in my life this poem has taken on new meaning, but what the ---? How many times have I missed crossing the bar? Too many to count so maybe the surgeon's hands will be skillful, and it won't be my time to go. As Christians we sing with gusto about going home, but not many of us go out peacefully. I'm living it up for another week at least by cleaning house, mowing the grass, and riding my bike. and petting my dog, Kelly.
Yesterday I went to Fort Worth to have a chemical heart stress. It wasn't too bad. A technician injected Antropine into my vein which caused my heart to race. Afterwards they pu me on a table and a camera took pictures of my heart in two different sessions. The reason they gave me this test was to seeif my heart is strong enough to stand me me being put to sleep for the oeration. The surgeon doesn't want me to be awake for the procedure. I'm enjoying these days before surgery.
HER AUNT'S FUNERAL
We went back after they finished shoveling dirt into her grave.
Heat made the grama grass dry and twisted.
Since a hot Texas sun sucked June moisture, there was no green left.
Cicadas worked at a loud and noisy song that screamed for water,
And the beaming light twisted and turned into optical illusion
That made mad men see sticks turn into rattlesnakes.
"You still want to be buried here by your parents?"
"If you don't mind," she answered.
"We better buy our plots this time."
"You plan on dying?"
I answered, "At our age one never knows."
"You want a double tombstone?" she asked.
After I agreed, I thought about the Texas heat.
Hell, I wouldn't hurt her for anything, but if she dies first,
They can put my name on the tombstone,
But I may have my corpse shipped to Colorado,
If the ground isn't frozen too hard to dig.
By Luther Butler
Thursday October 13, 2005 I went to Scott and White at Temple, Texas for the first part of three procedures. A small gash was made in my right groin through which a device was inserted for further work. Next week I will have the same procedure done on my left groin. On the third week I will have grafts inserted. The operation was to have taken an hour, but due to the fact that my blood vessels were knotted, the procedure took three hours. I spent one night in the hospital and was sent home. This method was much easier on me than the one that required cutting to reach the artery which is located behind the stomach. Today I am still having some pain, but it doesn't compare with the pain I am having from the first attempt to surgically repair the damage.
In order to reduce the operative risks for patients who are not ideal candidates for direct surgical repair of their aneurysms, an endovascular treatment was developed. This method involves placing a specially constructed Dacron graft inside the aorta by passing it up through the femoral arteries and into the aorta. This process is applicable to approximately two-thirds of patients with abdominal aneurysms. Its applicability is determined by measurements of the aortic diameter and angulation and the severity of associated blockages in the iliac and femoral arteries. The delivery system of the endograft requires iliac and femoral arteries of a moderate to large size.
Women frequently have smaller blood vessels than men. Therefore, they are often unable to have endograft treatment for their aneurysm unless an additional surgical procedure is performed to provide a larger vascular route through which the endograft can be delivered.
An aortic endograft is usually placed through two small incisions in the groin made over the location of the femoral arteries. The graft is then passed up through the femoral and iliac arteries into the aorta where it is anchored just below the renal (kidney) arteries with the limbs of the graft then brought down into both iliac (leg) arteries. A special type of ultrasound delivered on a catheter placed inside the aorta measures the size of the aorta and arteries going to the legs. This information helps the surgeon decide where to best place the endograft and what size graft should be used.">Scott & White - Heart & Vascular Institute - Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm - Central Texas: "endovascular procedure
In order to reduce the operative risks for patients who are not ideal candidates for direct surgical repair of their aneurysms, an endovascular treatment was developed. This method involves placing a specially constructed Dacron graft inside the aorta by passing it up through the femoral arteries and into the aorta. This process is applicable to approximately two-thirds of patients with abdominal aneurysms. Its applicability is determined by measurements of the aortic diameter and angulation and the severity of associated blockages in the iliac and femoral arteries. The delivery system of the endograft requires iliac and femoral arteries of a moderate to large size.
Women frequently have smaller blood vessels than men. Therefore, they are often unable to have endograft treatment for their aneurysm unless an additional surgical procedure is performed to provide a larger vascular route through which the endograft can be delivered.
An aortic endograft is usually placed through two small incisions in the groin made over the location of the femoral arteries. The graft is then passed up through the femoral and iliac arteries into the aorta where it is anchored just below the renal (kidney) arteries with the limbs of the graft then brought down into both iliac (leg) arteries. A special type of ultrasound delivered on a catheter placed inside the aorta measures the size of the aorta and arteries going to the legs. This information helps the surgeon decide where to best place the endograft and what size graft should be used."
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